Lost distance relationships. You never fully understand how hard they are until they actually become hard. I don’t mean hard in the sense that there are problematic factors or that one of us have hurt feelings. I just mean hard in the sense that it can take a toll on your mental health. Let’s just keep in mind that when I have the slightest sad mood pulsing through my body, I tend to put on sad music and allow sad thoughts to seep in. I don’t necessarily think that this is a bad thing to do, as long as it is infrequent. I believe that everyone needs some time to accept their demons or their troubles, some time to deal with those emotions, and allow themselves to create more time to live without those emotions. Writing from the perspective that I have had a day on the rough side, I seem to be thinking about other factors that could steal the spotlight. I don't really know if I am looking for those sad things I mentioned before, or if I am looking for something I can focus on that is not my current problem. So now I face the situation of laying in my tall lofted bed, my roommate with headphones below me. My phone is very quietly playing calming and somewhat dismal music. The window blinds are pulled up all the way, and actually have been for about a week now. This is not a usual action for me to take; at night I seem to have a ritual of closing all doors, windows, and covering any open spaces. Perhaps it makes me feel more secure. So why has the window been fully open for a week? Loneliness and equal amounts of connection. I have found that when I am up in this tall bed and the deep yellow lights are shining onto the wall in front of me and the patterns of the window frame are being illuminated, my racing mind can be calmed in the slightest extent. Throughout the course of my life, I have found much comfort in the night sky. Although the night itself provides a welcome to a slight phobia of the dark, the stars seem to diminish that fear and change my emotion completely. You can walk out of the walls of your home in your most natural state; no makeup, no dressy clothes, no hairstyle to keep up with. It’s just you and it’s the world introducing you to its quiet form.
A form of nature that has seemingly put itself on pause, allowing the animals to lay down, the plants to not fight for the most light, the ground to experience a break from a constantly moving human society.
When I first moved into school, I had a sudden and quick goodbye from someone that means a lot to me; not to see him for another four months. How does one cope with something they know both sides can deal with, but both know it’ll hurt when they think too much about it?
I looked to the night sky. I looked to it almost every night. For those nights that I needed to feel more welcome by the school. For the nights I felt overwhelmed and wanted to feel smaller. For the nights that missing him became painful. The beginning of my career here at school was being fully supported by nightly phone calls where I was able to connect his voice to the shapes of the stars that particular night. The way his laugh echoed with the dances the stars could perform and through the stories they could tell to those watching. I think I began to realize that the darkness was embracing me the same way as if I were to close my eyes and dream; the night gave me an escape to openly imagine you without having to dream it.
This is the reason that my window blinds are open at night now. It creates the illusion that if I look out my window and into the stars, that my gaze will eventually travel through your window blinds wherever you may be.
Long distance is hard. Especially nights like this when all I want to do is talk and open my eyes to you being inches away. And I know we will make it there permanently soon.
So if you’re reading this, meet me by the window until we share the same one.
Until we meet again.